Thursday, July 30, 2020

The Truth About Gender Identity

Many trans people believe the following about 'gender identity':
  • It is inborn and immutable.
  • An individual whose 'gender identity' conflicts with their biological sex is a trans person. 
  • Trans women have female brains in male bodies, while trans men have male brains in female bodies.
  • Gender identity is independent of sexual orientation. An individual can be born of any gender identity, and any sexual orientation.
  • There is no cure for being trans except medical, social, and/or legal sex reassignment. 
Are these beliefs correct? No. 

They are not scientifically accurate, though they contain elements of truth. 

Gender identity is one's "social identity" as a man, woman, or neither. This identity may be influenced by biological factors. But it is also influenced by cultural expectations of men and women. Because you cannot divorce 'gender identity' from culture, you cannot claim that it is inborn. It is also false to claim that it is immutable. The very process of gender transition involves changing one's social identity from one gender to another.

An alternative definition of gender identity defines it as the "personal sense" of one's gender. This definition is particularly insidious, as it is harmfully vague and subjective. It fails to account for schizophrenics, autistics, and other mentally disordered people. These people may not subjectively "feel" like men or women, because they struggle with male/female socialization and identity stability. This definition also fails to consider childhood development, where exploration is key to identity formation. Children and mentally disordered people can be misled into believing that their subjective "feeling" as a boy/girl/neither is inborn and immutable. They can easily latch onto the idea that they were "born in the wrong body", and that hormones and surgeries are the only cure for their condition.

Whether you define it as a "social identity" or a "personal sense", gender identity is not inborn or immutable. No one is born in the wrong body. To really understand gender identity formation, you have to distinguish the different types of transsexuality. The following types of transsexuality are completely distinct phenomena, with different processes for gender identity development.


Homosexual transsexuals (HSTS) tend to act like the opposite sex from a young age. Male-to-female (MTF) HSTS are unusually, consistently girly as children. They remain feminine in adulthood. They are, essentially, exclusively attracted to males. Female-to-male (FTM) HSTS are unusually, consistently boyish as children. They remain masculine in adulthood, and are predominantly or exclusively attracted to females. Despite being attracted to the same biological sex, HSTS tend to identify as "straight", because they do not identify with their biological sex.

When it comes to HSTS, there is half-truth to the concept of inborn gender identity. Gender identity is not inborn, but 'psycho-sexual inversion' is. 'Psycho-sexual inversion' seems to be a neurological phenomenon, where features of the brain are unusually feminized or masculinized. It makes a person psychologically and sexually similar -- but not identical -- to the opposite sex. 'Psycho-sexual inversion' is characterized by same-sex attraction, and appears to occur on a spectrum of intensity. The milder form is associated with homosexuality or bisexuality. The more extreme form is associated with transsexuality. This condition is both inborn and immutable, and it is the closest thing to the concept of inborn 'gender identity'. But it only applies to HSTS. 

Psycho-sexual inversion is a similar concept to gender identity, but it is not the same thing. In psycho-sexual inverts, gender identity depends on the intensity of the condition, additional psychological factors, and one's cultural environment. The greater the intensity, the more likely one is to adopt a cross-gender identity. Psychological makeup also contributes to one's gender identity outcome. Lastly, cultural views of gender and sexuality are extremely important. In Western society, inverts generally pick between a "gay" or "trans" lifestyle -- live as a man or a woman. Local attitudes towards homosexuality, transsexuality, men, and women influence this choice. In some non-Western societies, inverts live as third or fourth gender -- "bakla", "tom", "hijra". Even for psycho-sexual inverts, gender identity is not completely inborn or immutable.


Autogynephilics (AGPs) are heterosexual males, who are sexually aroused by the thought of being female.  Autogynephilia is best understood as an unusual sexual orientation, where male heterosexual desire is mapped onto the self instead of another person. AGPs are not psycho-sexually inverted. They may show occasional interest in girl's activities and/or clothing, but they are not consistently feminine in childhood. During puberty, they discover their sexual attraction to themselves in female form. This sexual fantasy conflicts with the reality of their sexed bodies, which can result in severe gender dysphoria. That dysphoria can drive AGPs to undergo sex reassignment. AGPs are sexually attracted to trans women and biological women. Upon adopting a trans identity, AGPs tend to identify as "lesbian", "queer", "bisexual", "pansexual" or "asexual". Some attempt to be "straight" for a period of time, but are dissatisfied by relationships with men. Many are in denial about being AGP, or unaware of its existence.

Cross-gender identification is driven by gender dysphoria and the development of a feminine alter-ego. Like most heterosexual men, the core personality of an AGP is masculine. But most AGPs create an artificial, feminine personality to go with their sexual fantasy.  This alter-ego is constructed by incorporating various traits from attractive women, and is brought to life through cross-dressing and role-play.  Old-school AGPs often maintained a dual-personality throughout their lifetimes. They would don a "girl self" at times, then revert to the "guy self". Today, these transvestites might be described as "genderfluid" or "non-binary". Some AGPs seem to integrate their male and female personas into a cohesive being. But the dual-personality phenomenon is still common.

As a general rule, sexual orientation cannot be changed -- only sexual behavior. Because autogynephilia is a feature of one's sexual orientation, it is probably impossible to stop the erotic desires for good. There's no evidence that AGPs have feminized brains, like psycho-sexual inverts. But there is some evidence of brains differences between AGPs and normal, heterosexual men. This suggests that inborn factors predispose an individual to becoming an AGP. The autogynephilia itself is probably immutable and possibly inborn. But that's not the same as one's gender identity. 

The feminine alter-ego is the closest thing AGPs have to notions of inborn gender identity. But the concept is completely different. It is less similar to those notions than psycho-sexual inversion is. The feminine alter-ego is not inborn at all, but is constructed by the AGP some time after the first sexual fantasy. Moreover, the gender identity of an AGP is prone to fluctuation. This is because the gender of the feminine alter-ego conflicts with the core, masculine personality. As the two personalities battle for control over the psyche, it can make one's 'gender identity' unstable. 

I am concerned that gender identity ideology is harmful to AGPs. It reinforces their denial about being AGP, and can lead them down the path to irreversible body modification.  An AGP should be extremely cautious about sex reassignment, which should only be considered as a last resort. They should be completely honest to themselves about being an AGP before pursuing it. 


Autoandrophiles (AAPs) appear to be the female counterparts to AGPs. They are heterosexual females who are sexually aroused by the thought of being gay men. Like autogynephilia, autoandrophilia is essentially an unusual sexual orientation, where heterosexual desires are mapped onto the self instead of other people. AAPs are not psycho-sexually inverted. They might be tomboyish in childhood -- even gender dysphoric -- but do not display the extreme behavioral masculinity that characterizes FTM HSTS. Around puberty, they become obsessed with gay male erotica, and develop sexual fantasies about being gay men. These sexual fantasies conflict with the reality of their sexed bodies, which can result in severe gender dysphoria. This dysphoria can drive AAPs to undergo sex reassignment. AAPs are primarily attracted to males, but might display secondary attraction to females. Upon adopting a trans identity, AAPs tend to identify as "gay". But other non-straight sexualities are possible, like "queer", "bisexual", or "pansexual". Many are in denial about being AAP, or are unaware of its existence.

There is significantly less literature about autoandrophilia than there is about autogynephilia. Most of my knowledge about it relies on anecdotes, and the Lou Sullivan diaries. It does seem that AAPs have a harder time acting masculine, and have to "force" it more than FTM HSTS. They have no chance passing for straight men, and don't attempt to. But they don't seem to have the dual-personality phenomenon that is common in AGPs. I am not sure whether this is due to biological sex differences, cultural factors, societal acceptance of female gender non-conformity, or the relative ease AAPs have passing as gay "fairies". Or maybe they have it, and I'm just ignorant.

Like autogynephilia, autoandrophilia could be immutable, because it is a feature of one's sexual orientation. The erotic fantasies seem to be really persistent -- hard or impossible to get rid of. I don't know of any research on the brains of autoandrophiles, so I cannot tell you whether it is inborn or not. I suspect that it really is the female equivalent of autogynephilia: probably immutable and possibly inborn.

In any case, the gender identity of an AAP is not inborn. A lot of AAPs are just regular girls as children. Cross-gender identity does not manifest after the first sexual fantasies about being a gay man. AAPs should be extraordinarily cautious about sex reassignment -- even moreso than AGPs. There is significantly less information about autoandrophilia than there is about autogynephilia. Cross-sex hormones and sex reassignment surgeries seem more dangerous for biological females than biological males. AAPs should only consider sex reassignment as the very last resort.


Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphorics (ROGDs) differs from the other types of transsexuals. Psycho-sexual inversion is definitely inborn. Autogynephilia and autoandrophilia are possibly inborn. But Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria is not inborn at all. It is spread by social contagion, and affects a heterogeneous group of people. An ROGD can be any sexual orientation or biological sex. But most are teen girls and young women. 

It is very harmful to teach ROGDs that their gender identity is inborn. Sex reassignment is contraindicated for those with ROGD. The odds of regretting it are very high. ROGDs are better off managing their dysphoria by other means. Psychological factors often play a key role in the development of ROGD. The specific factors vary from person to person. A skilled and experienced therapist can be extremely helpful.

  • The idea of 'inborn gender identity' over-simplifies reality, and conflates the different types of transsexuality with each other.
  • This idea can endanger children and mentally disordered people, when it convinces them they were "born in the wrong bodies".
  • Psycho-sexual inversion is the closest thing to 'inborn gender identity', for it is both inborn and immutable. It only applies to Homosexual Transsexuals (HSTS). Even then, their gender identity outcome is not entirely inborn.
  • Autogynephilia (AGP) and Autoandrophilia (AAP) are variations on male and female heterosexuality respectively. It causes one to be sexually attracted to oneself as the opposite sex. The sexual desires are probably immutable and possibly inborn. But the gender identity of an AGP or AAP is not.
  • Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) is not inborn at all, but spread through social contagion. The idea of inborn gender identity is particularly harmful to ROGDs, because they do not benefit from sex reassignment.

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Note on "TRA"

My opinion on the acronym "TRA": 

For the uninitiated, "TRA" stands for "trans rights activist". It's a parody of "men's rights activist" (MRA), and functions as a response to the "TERF" acronym. Both "TERF" and "TRA" are used in a derogatory manner. However, "TERF" is often accompanied by threats of violence, while "TRA" is not. "TRA" connotes an ideologue who champions 'the trans agenda' without regard for the consequences.

I've had trouble coming around to the word "TRA". I get that it's a play on MRA. But I don't like the implication. It implies that championing rights for trans people is automatically a bad thing. Various segments of the trans population are marginalized and oppressed. Fighting for their rights is a noble cause. This is why I gravitated toward the acronym "EXTRA". Created by Amy Dyess, it stands for "extreme trans rights activist". These are the people who believe "if you say you're trans, you're trans", trans women are biologically female, that puberty blockers are fully safe effective and reversible, and that any woman who disagrees with this is a "TERF" who should be killed. The problem with my reasoning is that "EXTRA" cannot be a true replacement to "TRA". "EXTRA" could only function as a replacement if TRAs were a small, extreme minority. Instead, TRAs are very mainstream on the political left. It is not accurate to call them "extreme". "Radical"? Yes. But not "extreme". 

I don't know the best acronym to incorporate "radical" into "TRA". For now, I'll just stick to "TRA". Bear in mind -- I don't consider true trans activists to be "TRAs".

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Am I A Desister?

I realized something just now. In several respects, I think I am a desister. 

"Bottom dysphoria" has mostly gone away for me. I am almost 100% fine with having a clitoris... not 100% fine, but it is not a great source of distress in my life. I am at peace with that part. In many respects, I am fine with my genitals -- the most female part of me! The only part I am not comfortable having is the vaginal orifice itself. If I could wake up tomorrow without one, I would be happier. But that is just a fantasy... I have no intention to surgically remove that part, because it would damage the integrity of my entire body. In any case, I don't think that qualifies as true bottom dysphoria. Essentially, it is driven by the physical discomfort and lack of pleasure I gain from that part. This is due to past experience feeling intense pain in that area, and the fear of experiencing that pain again. But on some level, I suspect that it is also driven by a sort of misogyny... A discomfort having a female body part. On some level, my brain considers the clitoris to be a masculine part of me, as it is the homologue to the male penis. Likewise, the vulva are homologous to the scrotum, so I am mostly fine with those parts too. There really isn't a male homologue to the vaginal canal... that is the most fundamentally female part of the genitalia. Maybe that is fueling the persistent discomfort I feel towards penetrative sex. ...In any case, I don't think it's right to call this "bottom dysphoria". This is a tremendous improvement from before, where I was highly distressed by having female genitalia. I even thought about phalloplasty / metoidioplasty!

"Chest dysphoria" is considerably better as well. I don't have a very large chest. I've decided that, as long as I can see my pectoral muscles, it's not so bad having breasts. I'm slightly sensitive there, but I think I am less sensitive there than other women are. I once thought of having a mastectomy...and at times I continue to fantasize about it. I would only want the periareolar or keyhole procedure... But at any rate, I am not actually interested in it. I've come to understand my "dysphoria" as a dysmorphia... If I underwent a mastectomy, it would not resolve my psychological distress in the long run. I would experience short-term elation, followed by identifying new flaws, followed by mental distress. Most likely, I would start to notice that my hips are very feminine and seek out surgery to correct that too. Or I would start to feel distressed towards my genitals, and seek out surgery for that... I fear that I am prone to that sort of addictive thought pattern, and I don't want to go down that path. In any case, chest dysphoria is virtually gone.

"Social dysphoria" is better too. Part of me is still overjoyed when people mistake me for a guy, and I get uncomfortable when I am reminded by pronouns or my name that I am female. But this is a very low effect. It is not debilitating. I would say that it is mostly gone as well. 

So what is left? Still this compulsive fantasy of waking up tomorrow in a male body. Very persistent, deep distress towards having an overall female body. But I've accepted the Serenity Prayer, that I must make peace with the things I cannot change. The one thing I can change is my BMI and upper body muscle mass. So this is what I will concentrate on, through physical exercise. That is the most masculine form I can assume, without weakening and ravaging my body. I must strive for that. 

I need some outlet for this persistent mental distress. I trust myself to find one. In the mean time, I think it is fair to say that I am a desister. I've weighed the pros and cons of transitioning, and come to a solid "No" decision. So if the dysphoria is not completely gone, it is at least being managed. 

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Trying to reintegrate the past into the present

Continuing to think about my personal life... Last time, I realized that I psychologically severed from my past. Today, it dawns on me that I am overly-critical of my childhood self. Often, when I look back on myself, I have one of two reactions. One: detachment. The child does not register as myself. It feels like I am just looking at some random kid, not my past self, so I am not particularly judgmental. Two: negativity. The child does register as myself, so I am very harsh. I see nothing good in this child. Just a stupid, self-centered brat. 

This is no way to live. It is not healthy for the psyche. How can you think rationally if you are cut off from your own past? I have not incorporated my childhood memories into my self, so I do not learn from them. This traps me in an immature state, and fuels my self-destructive tendencies.

I wonder if my harsh, negative attitudes towards my childhood self have fueled my dysphoria. Perhaps I am so hateful of the way I was as a little girl, I want to become as different as possible from her. That's why I don't want to be female at all...

Why am I even hateful of my past self? It's obvious. I was put down and picked on by the people around me. I wasn't very clever as a kid, so I took everything at face value. If you called me a "retard" "pig-nose" "idiot" I'd believe it...Why would you say that if it wasn't true? That was the type of person I was. Very impressionable.

I wasn't the opposite of those insults. I wasn't a genius, brilliant little girl. I was average. I had negative traits, but I also had admirable traits. There was a time where I was so hard-headed, I didn't give a damn what most people thought of me. I was picked on as a kid, but I didn't cry over it. Just did my own thing. This one time, a girl was badmouthing me, and I thought I'd pick her up and throw her off the top of the bleachers. Would have been bad if I did it, but goes to show... I really didn't give a damn at that age. 

Where has that gone? Where has that sort of bull-headed, naive stubbornness gone to? It's not good to be stubborn all the time, but it also makes a person fearless and tough in some respects. As an adult, I just turned in a doormat wuss. I look down on my childhood self...but I bet she'd look down on me, wouldn't she? 

Who's the real loser? Seriously...

Realizing this has returned some respect to my childhood self. I think it has helped reintegrate that hard-headed little girl into my own person. I'll ruminate on this a bit more...I think I'm making progress...

Friday, July 10, 2020

Thinking about my mother's side of the family

Lately, I have been thinking about my personal history, particularly in relation to my parents and grandparents. When I think of myself, I am reminded of Jordan Peterson's lectures on Pinocchio, of all things... I am like the man with no history. I feel like I have been severed off from my past. I look at pictures of my child self, and I think "who is this little girl?" The photos do not register as pictures of myself. Many of my peers can clearly recall memories from their childhood... who was their favorite teacher? What did they like to do after school? How did they spend time with their friends? But there is a fog over those memories in my head. I cannot remember them clearly. It is like there is a blurry glass in my mind, sitting on top of my childhood memories. I have drawn a picture on top of the glass of what I think happened then, but I am too afraid or incompetent to lift the glass, to remember what actually happened.

For much of my life, I have romanticized certain aspects of my history as idyllic. For the much of my life, I believed that my childhood was nearly perfect. Maybe some things were dysfunctional, but I was raised by a loving mother and father in a comfortable, well-to-do household. What more can you ask for? All of the darkness that plagued my mind was the result of my neurosis. It's a bit disturbing to think back to that time, and realize that many things were out of order. Not to say that I wasn't a privileged child, but the true details of my past betray my memories.

...So I've realized that the relationships I had with my family members were quite abnormal and dysfunctional. Simultaneously, I recognize that this type of "abnormalcy" and dysfunction is actually quite normal among my peers... The key is not to exaggerate one's past in either direction; rather, to judge it with clear eyes. 

One aspect of my personal history sticks in my head: the transmission of pathological behaviors. On my mother's side of the family, it looks like the severe trauma that my grandparents endured has been diluted down the generations. The effect is less severe with each generation, but remains persistent. 

....I suppose I have nothing to lose by sharing this, so I might as well: My grandfather is from Pyongyang. He and my grandmother grew up during the Japanese colonial period. My grandmother, who is from Seoul, doesn't like to talk about that time at all. My grandfather talks about that time in an interesting way... He seems to remember his childhood more clearly than I remember mine. He speaks about that time in a nostalgic, idyllic way, with the occasional reminder "oh yeah, and if you spoke against the government, the Japanese would kill you." That was a brutal and repressive time for my grandparents. But it all came to a head when war broke out on the Peninsula. There was World War II at first, but then there was the Korean War... My grandfather remembers how Communism broke out in North Korea. He was initially drawn to Communism, but realized it was crooked on the eve of the war. He decided there was no future for the Communist North, so he fled to the South. His escape to South Korea is incredible... I don't know how he survived. By the time he reached Seoul, he was a beggar with no possessions, no family or friends. He was separated from his mother, unsure if she survived or not. 

Luckily, he was reunited with his mother. He remained loyal to her throughout his life. But during the war, many of his relatives were killed. I don't think his mind recovered from the amount of death and destruction of that period. He often describes the death of his father and brother... His father and brother turned Communist in the North. But in the chaos of the war, a Communist soldier shot them and killed them by accident. He cannot reconcile how utterly meaningless their deaths were, like all the other deaths that took place on the peninsula. To him, it is a tragic irony that uprooted him by his sanity.

It was a traumatic time for my grandmother as well. She often doesn't talk about it. All I definitively know is that her family was plunged into poverty during the time, and they were often scarce on food. When the war was over, she became an extremely frugal, cost-effective hoarder.

It is interesting how my grandfather grapples with his past. I have seen him express admiration, hatred, and admiration again for the Japanese and for the Communists. He has a similar hate-love relationship to Korea...he holds both reverence and contempt for his motherland. When he first came to America, he was poor and lived in a Korean community. But when he became wealthy, he grew apart from the Korean community... I think this had a profound psychological effect on him, which contributed to his dual worship-contempt for Korea, and left him in an isolated, unhealthy state. 

He is an incredibly intelligent man, but deeply pathological. At times, he almost seems sociopathic, in how difficult it can be for him to feel empathy. Of course, I don't believe he is a true sociopath... this is just what happens when you live through war. In a way, he has almost come to embody the ruthless, despotic nature of the Japanese and Communist governments.  To his children, he was outright abusive and rigid. It all came from a well-meaning place...he believed that a harsh upbringing makes the individual tough and cunning, capable of surviving a harsh world. He held them to the same rigid standards his child self was held to. Unfortunately, his plan backfired... Their home life was dismal in comparison to the outside world, and produced many miserable, neurotic adults. Even as an old man, his children held a combination of fear, resentment, and love towards him.

He was also abusive to his wife. Part of me can never forgive him for that...My grandmother is severely depressed and suffers from fits of pathological anger. She was not abusive to her children, but had no power to stop her husband from abusing them himself.

From this environment comes my mother. My mother has at least four serious mental conditions: borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and anorexia nervosa. The BPD was probably caused by empathic failures on her father's part... The PTSD was caused by the death of a child... The OCD may have come from her mother's compulsions... The anorexia, from her life as a ballet dancer. My mother was not outright abusive to her children, but quite emotionally manipulative. If I was a smarter child, maybe I would have seen through her antics and gotten over things quickly. But instead, I was a bullheaded idiot who took everything she said at face value. On occasion, I would rebel and accuse her of wrong-doing...but time and time again, I would repeal my accusations, and apologize for thinking poorly of her. Her mothering could have been much worse, but there's no question it contributed a large amount to my own neuroses. I clearly have some executive functioning disorder and serious emotional disturbances. I suspect that I am bipolar, or something like that.

Summarizing the above, my grandparents suffered the most extreme traumas in the family: The Korean War. My mother and her siblings were abused by my grandfather. My mother was emotionally manipulative and dependent on her children. The degree of trauma and abuse correlates to the severity of neurosis. And all of us are prone to extremism. It seems that the next generation -- my and my siblings children -- should be the first to completely escape the residual damage from the Korean War. But sometimes I look at my siblings and myself, and I worry that our children will not be spared...If we do not learn from our past, we will repeat this pattern and produce emotionally disturbed children -- albeit, in diluted form. 

The most profound finding in all of this is how it all comes back to war. I also think this may explain why many Koreans are prone to cult-like, uncompromising extremism. It has less to do with genes and more to do with the history of war and oppressive government. 

I contrast my mother's side of the family with my father's side. My father's side is a deeply Christian family. They deserve a discussion of their own... I view my father's parents and my mother's parents as complements. Ironically, my mother's parents are like the masculine half of the yin-yang symbol, being ruthless and ambitious. My father's parents are like the feminine half, being empathetic and forgiving. Yet there is a hidden vulnerability to my mother's side of the family, and a hidden militancy to my father's side. 

What is the meaning to all this?  I'm not very sure...

Thursday, July 9, 2020

Sex Toy Reviews - VixART POP!

There are shockingly few companies who sell strap-compatible dildos to give pleasure to the wearer. Particularly for those who do not like to be penetrated. The trick is two ingredients: (1) vibration (2) a base that stimulates the clitoris. The only company who has thought to combine these features is Fuze Toys. 


If I were to recommend one dildo company to strap on users, it is the Fuze lines. These are great product for strap-on sex. The hole for the bullet vibrator is located on the underside of the dildo. This hole is compatible with many different types of bullet vibrators. It is very convenient to swap out the bullet vibrator if it dies on you during sex. It's also convenient to turn the vibrator on and off. And it is not difficult to clean and dry the hole.

The ridged base also provides stimulation to the clitoris and U-spot. World-class shit. 

...But there are still some limitations to the Fuze... It's not 100% perfect. In my experience, the design of the BumpHer / B-Cush does a better job to stimulate the clitoris than the ridges of the Fuze. So I searched the web to see if there are any alternatives. I discovered that there are two other well-reputed companies to sell strap-compatible dildos that have vibrator holes. These are the Tantus and Vixen dildos. Both companies sell dildos with standard circular bases, where the vibrator is inserted directly into the center of the base. The circular base of these dildos does not provide any stimulation to the clitoris, but the dildos are compatible with the BumpHer / B-Cush base cushion. 

Example of hole placement for a Vixen or Tantus dildo

Still, there are a lot of limitations to a dildo that has the hole placed in the center of the circular base. Namely, the bullet cannot be easily replaced in the middle of sex. Especially if you want to use it with the BumpHer. It's a real pain in the ass to take off the harness, take off the BumpHer, pull the vibrator out, and replace it. The nicest bullet vibrators generally last ~1 hour on a full charge. The not-so-nice ones last a lot shorter. So you should expect the bullet to die on you, and plan to swap it out. It is also difficult to turn the vibrator on/off in the middle of sex -- especially if you are using the BumpHer. There is also some risk that you will accidentally bump the vibrator in the middle of sex, and turn it off. Finally, it can be a pain to clean out and dry the hole of these dildos. You have to clean the hole out, since you have to use lube on the hole. There is also some chance that organic material will get stuck in the hole, which can cause the dildo to grow mold. 

In any case, I was still interested in giving one of the companies a shot. Between the two companies, I was less interested in the Tantus. They are a well-reputed company, but the vibrators cannot be fully inserted into the dildo base. This makes them unweildy for strap-on sex. So I turned to Vixen. 

Vixen is also highly reputable. I had heard nothing but good things about them. I decided to splurge and look for the nicest vibrating dildo they sell. This led me to the VixART POP!

The VixART POP! is a limited edition version of the Vixskin Mustang. The only differences between the two products are (1) the colors (2) the POP! has a hole in the base to insert a bullet vibrator, while the Mustang does not.

I was curious if I could combine the POP! with the BumpHer to create a dildo that (1) vibrated (2) had a base that stimulates the clitoris. So I decided to pony up and buy it. 

Purely in terms of materials, this is the nicest dildo I own. The dildo is so damn nice I damn near thought to stick it inside myself 😳 For real, if I ever decide to bottom, this is the stuff I want inside me. Seriously, the material is absolutely luxuriant. Amazing.

But does the vibrating function work? Not for strap-on sex. There are a couple of problems with this design. For one, the POP! is only compatible with the Vooom bullet it is sold with. You cannot swap it out for another vibrator without risking damage to the dildo. This bullet is not ideal for strap-on use because it doesn't have a long battery life. And while the vibrations aren't bad, they are not as strong as the We-vibe Tango.

For two, it is quite difficult to remove the vibrator if you insert it fully. I thoroughly lubricated the inside of the dildo and the outside of the vibrator with water-based lube. I inserted the vibrator fully. When I attempted to remove the vibrator, it was a real struggle. After some wrestling, the cap of the vibrator came flying off, while the rest of the vibrator was still stuck inside of the dildo. I continued to struggle with the dildo until I finally got the vibrator and its batteries out of the dildo's hole. The vibrator was destroyed in the process, as the cap had flown off and the battery chamber became soaked in lube. The inside of the dildo was also scratched a bit. Not a good experience. 

This issue might be fix-able if the company implements a retrieval string, like they do for the Woody Vibe. The only problem with the retrieval string is that it could yank the cap off of the vibrator without removing the whole thing. UPDATE: Vixen informed me that there are no bullet vibes on the market that come with the retrieval string. So that is not a potential fix.

In any case, the vibration function is only useful for someone who wants to use it on themself, not for strap-on sex. If you only insert the vibrator part-way in, you can remove it with relative ease. You must apply copious lubricant to the vibrator and the dildo's hole. If you do this, you can "pop" the vibrator out pretty easily if you apply pressure and create an air gap in the dildo's hole. This is achieved by tugging on the base of the dildo, such that you deform the circular hole into an oval shape. 

No air gap

Air gap

It's better to create the air gap with two fingers, like this:

Then you squeeze the dildo near the bottom of the shaft. If the "top" of the vibrator is the part that is sticking out of the hole, you want to squeeze just under the "bottom" of the vibrator. 

Where to squeeze the dildo

The change in pressure ejects the vibrator pretty violently, so you should aim it into a pillow.

If you are unable to pop out the vibrator, you can just try to wiggle it out. It is easier to wiggle the vibrator out if you squeeze the top and bottom of the circular base to create an air gap.

So the vibrating function isn't any good for strap-on sex.  Is the dildo any good for strap-on sex at all? Well, I can't say for certain, but I am hopeful. The dildo is compatible with the BumpHer, which is a plus. Whether it's compatible with a decent cock ring? I'm not sure. I am a bit concerned that the dildo could be too floppy for strap-on sex. I don't intend to use the dildo with a vibrator, which leaves a large empty gap near the base of the shaft. I'm not sure whether this would cause problems in the middle of sex. 

Still, I am very satisfied with the purchase. If this dildo does not work out for me, I will probably just give it to a friend. I am a fan of this company, so I'm glad to endorse them. I am very impressed by the materials that go into Vixskin dildos, so I am likely to purchase another one of the products in the future. I recommend the VixArt dildo to those who want a high-quality dildo to use on themself, particularly if you want the vibration feature. 

If you are a strap-on wearer, I would recommend the Vixskin Maverick or the Vixskin Mustang over the VixArt POP! They do not vibrate, but they can be combined with the BumpHer to stimulate the wearer. They might also be compatible with vibrating cock rings, but I have not tried this myself. 

My favorite dildo for strap-on sex remains the Fuze dildos.

UPDATE: I got an email from Vixen, which told me the best way to remove the vibrator is to use A LOT of lube. For the record, I used a copious amount of lube when I tested the dildo out with the bullets. Maybe I just got unlucky...?  I'd still recommend a Fuze over the POP!

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Just talking about very personal stuff

Makin another bad decision tonight... Just gonna talk about a bunch personal stuff that's been on my mind regarding my sexuality and gender identity

Last time I ranted about my personal life, I started talking about how I don't like penetrative sex. That is, I don't like being penetrated. I described how I had tried for a few months to use lube and different positions to try to finger myself, or use vibrators. It didn't go well. So I said I might continue these exercises, but that I'd "half-ass" it

Well, I've been doing some self-reflecting of my life, and I've come to realize that that was more of my "quitter's" attitude than anything else. I feel like... if you know the Youtuber "Hey This is is Rya"... she put it best in her video about the "cotton ceiling". Really like her, by the way. Anyways, she had a really good take on the cotton ceiling issue. But she also said something profound about relationships in general. That is, everyone's entitled to be as discriminatory as they want in dating. But the more discriminatory you are, the more you lose out. The more conditions you have to dating, the fewer options you have

Well, I say all this because my insistence on being the top has limited my options quite a bit. I'm open about how I find masculine and feminine females attractive... A lot of the time, the femmes I'm into are way out of my league. And I really like masc, stud, butch, all of them I find very attractive. Lately, I feel like I tend to fall harder for the butches than the femmes. So I've been with butches and mascs before, but those relationships never last. Even when the sex has been really good (at least, for me!) The problem is that a relationship with a masc doesn't last long if you don't let her fuck you too!  Not too many mascs will let you fuck them in the first place...and they sure as HELL won't take it if they don't get to fuck you back! There's only been one time where that has happened for me. She was quite drunk, and I think she regretted it afterwards (didn't call me back.... :,(

We both orgasmed tho... her, several times

With that, I thought she was so sexy I wanted to take it from her! I really did. But when we tried it, she started with one finger. That hurt so damn bad! I told her we had to stop, I was in so much pain. She was real disappointed... but she let me fuck her B)

So yeah, I like the butches. In reality, I'm not really masculine myself. Not sexually. I do like to top..I like to top A LOT. But I have definitely met very handsome, very very sexy, very attractive mascs. I wish I could get with them, but I can't, cuz I don't let them fuck me. I could never be in a relationship with someone where they fuck me and I never fuck them, but I feel like it's unfair for me to expect them to take my dick without me taking hers!  

I'm left wondering why I penetration is so uncomfortable. I think I could have vaginismus. I'm left wondering if this is a psychological blockade, or a physical one. I feel like, I say "No" to being the bottom, mostly because I anticipate the pain. Oh man! I have just felt excrutiating pain before. But I think, if I didn't have the pain, then I would be a lot more flexible in bed. I really like to be the top, but I think it would also be sexy to take turns with someone...not gonna lie

In any case, my unwillingness to take the strap does limit my dating pool quite a bit. I'm at the age where most people around me have kids, are married, or are engaged.... I've got to start thinking seriously about a long-term relationship. 

I want kids! I don't want to HAVE kids, but I want kids... I want a family! But I've got to be realistic. I'm not very good-looking... I'm very plain... I'm not very smart... I'm pretty stupid and socially awkward... Just decent at sex... So anything extra "conditions" I add to a relationship are not desirable. It's just gonna limit my future. Gotta add more flexibility, more agility and versatility to my set. Just like my sex toy collection!

...all I'm sayin is, don't half-ass it!  If I really can't be penetrated, I need to be certain about it. I gotta buck up and give it my best effort

So I took that attitude today and tried again. This was the best result so far! Not great... I got a little bullet vibrator in about half-way. It was a little uncomfortable, but not nearly as painful as before. And it wasn't very pleasurable. But this was the most hopeful result. I just gotta psych myself up for this stuff. 

Now regarding 'gender identity'... at this point in my life, I'm really questioning whether 'gender identity' is inborn at all. I'm starting to think "No". That's not to say that 'gender identity' is not real -- rather, it is something that can only be acquired from culture. That unlike sexual orientation, gender identity is heavily influenced by the society that one is born into.  I dunno though... I'll have to mull it over a lot more

So there was a time where I was seriously questioning my gender identity, and even went so far to temporarily identify as "genderqueer". But I don't think I wanted to be "genderqueer". I think I was actually questioning whether I wanted to go on hormones, get surgeries done, and start living as a man.

What was my motivation? The primary motivation was a powerful feeling that my body was the wrong sex. This feeling, I believe, is "sex dysphoria". I have felt some level of sex dysphoria since I was a teenager. I can clearly remember not wanting to avoid puberty, but desperately wanting to go through male puberty instead of female puberty.  I was extremely envious of my brothers

When I started thinking about this stuff, it triggered a strong emotional reaction. I realized that this, like my difficult family relationships, is something that has left a powerful impact on who I am as a person. I could clearly remember deep, deep feelings of misery that I felt when I was a teenager. I look back on that time and see someone who was so troubled, so lost... When I start to think of this time, it triggers a visceral reaction, and I feel sick in my stomach. So I tend not to think about that time, and a lot of my memories are very foggy

I am very glad that gender identity clinics were not around while I was a teenager. Not these informed consent clinics. I really think I would have tried to get puberty blockers and hormones, and that could have ruined my life. 

Realizing this makes me shudder a bit. 

I don't think that I am naturally too masculine. I was not masculine as a child. I wasn't masculine or feminine. Just liked playing sports, that's all, and couldn't make friends with anyone. I had a couple of friends who were girls, but I couldn't maintain those friendships. Just climbed trees and escaped into fantasies. I got picked on for being a "retard"... So I feel like whatever masculinity I have, is mostly fake. Or should I say, "acquired", not congenital. I'm a poser, basically. Whatever masculine qualities I have, they are the product of growing up with brothers and no sisters. And not having a good female role model to look up to. The best positive role model in my life was a man, actually... 

My brother thinks that I'm gay because of the way my mother treated me as a kid. He thinks that I'm not really gay... it's just my mother was so emotionally dependent on me, that I developed a sort of Oedipus complex towards her. He says she treated me like I was her spouse, and that it made me fucked in the head. I wonder whether he is right.

I know I wasn't masculine when I was a kid because one of my favorite things to do was to play with my stuffed animals. I had two stuffed dogs (was obsessed with dogs...especially Rottweilers). One of the dogs was the "mommy" and the other was the "daughter". The mother would wrap the daughter up in a "blankie" and swaddle her. This is a very characteristically feminine way to play with toys. But it also makes me kind of sad, because it reminds me how desperate I was for my mom to love me. I was really young at the time, so I got so hurt when she got mad at me and put me down and such. I was real envious of my brothers because I thought she loved them more than me. She was the most important thing to me and I thought I would do anything to protect her. I used to make her gifts to try to make her happy, and it really broke my heart when she threw them all away

(she has borderline personality disorder... she apologized profusely afterwards. she threw them away because she was so angry with me. but when she calmed down she really regretted it, but was too proud to admit it in the moment)

Looking back on that time... I'm left wondering how that little girl turned into someone so fucked up like me. Well, it is what it is. It's been real helpful for me to look back on my past. It's so obvious that I was a normal, slightly tomboyish kid. If anything, I was autistic or something... really bad social skills more than anything. So it's obvious I didn't have childhood gender dysphoria. It's pretty clear to me that the messed up family dynamics had a big effect on who I am today, and probably made me dysphoric towards my body

Who knows...

One last thought: I'm not sure if I wanna put labels on myself. I feel like, in the past, putting labels on me was just putting me into a prison. But obviously, you kind of have to put labels on yourself. I dunno if I'm homosexual or bisexual... But I'm pretty confident that I'm one of those. I feel like I have a lot in common with detransitioners and desisters, but I'm not really either one of those. I never transitioned in any way, so I'm not a transitioner. But my dysphoria hasn't gone away, so I'm not a desister. Guess I'm just 'dysphoric' then. But I don't even know if I am really dysphoric!  Whatever. I've been assuming that I have rapid-onset gender dysphoria, but I really need to consult an expert. 

Well...this has been stupid